The traditional view of women is of meek, submissive accommodation. We've certainly come a long way from that stereotypical role. But, many of us still struggle with the idea of conflict.
Some of this comes from the whole "sugar and spice and everything nice" mentality. Girls are always supposed to play nice and are rewarded with smiles and praise when they do so. Standing up for ourselves, voicing dissenting opinions can be labeled as "bitchy" and "confrontational."
Some conflict avoidance develops from the emphasis that female socialization places on relationships. We're taught to nurture and maintain relationships at all costs. That often translates into "don't do or say anything that might rock the boat."
And some of us avoid conflict because of how we viewed or experienced conflict in our families while growing up. I use to avoid conflict because I viewed it as frightening and synonomous with loss of control. I'm aware of the family dynamics that led to this view, but I still have to fight the urge to crawl up inside myself when I'm preparing to tell someone something that I don't think they're going to like or agree with.
So, we often end up swallowing our pride and keeping quiet so as not to upset anyone else or to "rock the boat." Some women avoid conflict so much that they feel stifled, voiceless, and resentful.
The truth is, conflict is not always bad. In fact, it is often good in many ways. If done right, it can bring people closer together. Good relationships can tolerate disagreement. Healthy disagreement that is honest and clear while still respectful of the other person can help you understand each other better and feel more intimate with each other.
Healthy self-expression begins just there...with the self. Statements should start with "I" and focus on your thoughts and feelings. "I feel frustrated when you..." "I felt disappointed that..." It's important that you own your feelings and reactions and that you present them in ways that are less likely to put the other person immediately on the defensive.
Opening up a potentially sensitive dialogue is most effective once the heat of the moment has passed. If you're in the throes of intense anger or hurt, it's best to take a time-out to experience and deal with the feelings before bringing them up. That way it's easier to express yourself in a way that you'll feel good about and that you're more likely to be heard.
Once you have expressed yourself firmly and clearly, be prepared to listen. Try to be open to the other person's reactions and views. But don't let their views invalidate your own. You have a right to your feelings and you have a right to express them. You may be able to use the different perspectives to explore options for change.
Healthy self-expression is good self-care. It prevents unpleasant feelings from tearing us down, creating walls between us and our loved ones, or building up until they become explosive. Rocking the boat does not have to cause it to tip over. Rocking upsets the old, stifled rhythm and replaces it with a new, more coordinated rhythm that makes the ride much more fulfilling.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Saying "No" (Fairly) Gracefully
You have tons on your plate on a regular basis. Your days are packed with running from work to the market to home, where the second shift begins and you're taking care of everyone else around you. Why would you possibly take on more?
Yet, every week you're faced with requests to take on something else. Whether it's a general request sent out to multiple people or it's a specific request for you, these situations often put you in an uncomfortable position. Do you take on the additional task or not?
Of course there are times when it makes sense to say yes. When things are lighter at work or the kids are between sports. When the one organization that you are truly passionate about has a major event. And even under these circumstances, it's important to be aware of what you're agreeing to and what kind of commitment it will mean.
But how about when you're feeling slammed at work and each night the kids have an activity in addition to homework to finish? What is so difficult about saying no? Does it make you selfish? Ungrateful? Not a team player?
Sometimes we agree to do something in an effort to be sure that we are doing our share; to make certain that we're pulling our own weight. It's great to make sure that you're doing your part, but you may end up pulling others' weight as well. Which is okay once in a while, but constantly being the one who picks up the slack eventually leads to exhaustion and resentment.
Sometimes we agree to do things because we don't want to disappoint others. The fact is that people live with some disappointment all the time. They can tolerate it and it often has less impact than you think. It may stick with you for days, but the requestor has most likely moved on and taken the steps necessary to get what they needed.
Sometimes we say yes in order to avoid conflict. Most of the time our fears about how others will respond are out of proportion to their actual reaction. Basically, we build it up in our minds making it worse than it actually turns out to be.
But, there are people in our lives who don't take no graciously. They give us a hard time, pile on the guilt, or badger us with the hope of breaking us down. So, we say yes to avoid dealing with all of that. But, as unpleasant as it is to have to hear all of that for however long we choose to listen, is it really less work to do the task? Wouldn't it actually be simpler to say no, stick to our no, and end the conversation when the other person gets pushy?
And yes, I said how long we choose to listen. We do have some power over how long we allow ourselves to be badgered or harrassed by another person. Enough is enough. You have a right to look out for yourself and to conserve your energy for the people and tasks that mean the most to you.
Yes, it's flattering to be viewed as reliable and competent. But, that does not mean that you owe it to the world to use those qualities at every possible turn. There is such a thing as "too nice."
Always saying yes often leads to feeling overextended, underappreciated, and taken for granted. And a good rule of thumb is to never say yes to a request right away. Give yourself time to really think about what you would be getting yourself into.
Self-care means considering your time and energy as the valuable, limited resources that they are. It means thinking thoroughly about every request and asking yourself why you should say yes. It also means practicing saying no in a firm, respectful manner and staying strong if others do not treat you with the same respect.
Yet, every week you're faced with requests to take on something else. Whether it's a general request sent out to multiple people or it's a specific request for you, these situations often put you in an uncomfortable position. Do you take on the additional task or not?
Of course there are times when it makes sense to say yes. When things are lighter at work or the kids are between sports. When the one organization that you are truly passionate about has a major event. And even under these circumstances, it's important to be aware of what you're agreeing to and what kind of commitment it will mean.
But how about when you're feeling slammed at work and each night the kids have an activity in addition to homework to finish? What is so difficult about saying no? Does it make you selfish? Ungrateful? Not a team player?
Sometimes we agree to do something in an effort to be sure that we are doing our share; to make certain that we're pulling our own weight. It's great to make sure that you're doing your part, but you may end up pulling others' weight as well. Which is okay once in a while, but constantly being the one who picks up the slack eventually leads to exhaustion and resentment.
Sometimes we agree to do things because we don't want to disappoint others. The fact is that people live with some disappointment all the time. They can tolerate it and it often has less impact than you think. It may stick with you for days, but the requestor has most likely moved on and taken the steps necessary to get what they needed.
Sometimes we say yes in order to avoid conflict. Most of the time our fears about how others will respond are out of proportion to their actual reaction. Basically, we build it up in our minds making it worse than it actually turns out to be.
But, there are people in our lives who don't take no graciously. They give us a hard time, pile on the guilt, or badger us with the hope of breaking us down. So, we say yes to avoid dealing with all of that. But, as unpleasant as it is to have to hear all of that for however long we choose to listen, is it really less work to do the task? Wouldn't it actually be simpler to say no, stick to our no, and end the conversation when the other person gets pushy?
And yes, I said how long we choose to listen. We do have some power over how long we allow ourselves to be badgered or harrassed by another person. Enough is enough. You have a right to look out for yourself and to conserve your energy for the people and tasks that mean the most to you.
Yes, it's flattering to be viewed as reliable and competent. But, that does not mean that you owe it to the world to use those qualities at every possible turn. There is such a thing as "too nice."
Always saying yes often leads to feeling overextended, underappreciated, and taken for granted. And a good rule of thumb is to never say yes to a request right away. Give yourself time to really think about what you would be getting yourself into.
Self-care means considering your time and energy as the valuable, limited resources that they are. It means thinking thoroughly about every request and asking yourself why you should say yes. It also means practicing saying no in a firm, respectful manner and staying strong if others do not treat you with the same respect.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Letting Go of "Mommy Guilt"
I recently did a Twitter search for "Mommy guilt" and was amazed at what I found. Mommy guilt is everywhere. It’s like an inescapable disease for which there is no vaccine or cure. As Moms, we carry around so much unnecessary guilt, it's a wonder that we're not bent over double. And when we feel the full weight of that burden, we really feel it.
As a Mom working outside of the home, I am basically gone from 8-6 five days a week, so I'm entitled to some guilt. I hate being away from my boys and missing the daily antics as well as some of the important milestones.
But sometimes undeserved Mommy guilt takes on a life of its own. A few weeks ago I took the afternoon off to attend my son’s end-of-school program. The train was timed perfectly, I arrived 15 minutes early, and I got a great seat. I was scoring pretty high on the Good Mommy Scale.
Then, as other mothers began to file in, it quickly became apparent that they all knew each other and the teacher well. They talked about their playdates together and the recent Parent Council meetings. Suddenly, I felt the weight of guilt like a lead box that nearly crushed me.
Why did that hit me so hard? Does that really make me a bad mother? The logical answer, of course, is no. But guilt does not bow to logic. Mommy guilt is the ultimate expression of our perfectionism, our constant comparison to others, and our Superwomen Syndromes, all rolled up into one.
Most of the time we know deep down that the guilt and shame are unwarranted. But, we still have such a difficult time letting go of it. It is challenging to absolve ourselves of these relatively minor lapses and to focus on the big picture of our children's lives. So, I’ve come up with a few guidelines to help begin the process of letting go of the guilt.
*Modified version of my guest post originally posted on http://www.collectivelywise.com/ on 6/18/2010.
As a Mom working outside of the home, I am basically gone from 8-6 five days a week, so I'm entitled to some guilt. I hate being away from my boys and missing the daily antics as well as some of the important milestones.
But sometimes undeserved Mommy guilt takes on a life of its own. A few weeks ago I took the afternoon off to attend my son’s end-of-school program. The train was timed perfectly, I arrived 15 minutes early, and I got a great seat. I was scoring pretty high on the Good Mommy Scale.
Then, as other mothers began to file in, it quickly became apparent that they all knew each other and the teacher well. They talked about their playdates together and the recent Parent Council meetings. Suddenly, I felt the weight of guilt like a lead box that nearly crushed me.
Why did that hit me so hard? Does that really make me a bad mother? The logical answer, of course, is no. But guilt does not bow to logic. Mommy guilt is the ultimate expression of our perfectionism, our constant comparison to others, and our Superwomen Syndromes, all rolled up into one.
Most of the time we know deep down that the guilt and shame are unwarranted. But, we still have such a difficult time letting go of it. It is challenging to absolve ourselves of these relatively minor lapses and to focus on the big picture of our children's lives. So, I’ve come up with a few guidelines to help begin the process of letting go of the guilt.
- No more comparing. Comparisons are almost always unfair, unreasonable, or based on inaccurate perceptions of other Moms.
- Avoid the trap of compensating. Usually guilt-ridden compensation leads to either overindulgence (kids do need rules and limits) or overcommitment (you don’t have to volunteer to do everything for Field Day just because it's the only event that you made it to this year).
- Consider quality rather than quantity. When you’re with your children, look at how they behave and interact around you. If it's clear how loved they feel and how attached they are to you, then you are doing just fine.
- Aim for “Pretty Darned Good” Parenting. Many Moms take comfort in the resilience of children and the concept of “good enough” parenting. But, some hate the phrase “good enough” and their lingering perfectionism leads them to feel like for their standards it’s not, well...good enough. I like to think that “as a parent I’m not perfect, but I’m pretty darned good!”
*Modified version of my guest post originally posted on http://www.collectivelywise.com/ on 6/18/2010.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
No (Wo)Man Is An Island
I am a very petite woman, yet every night I carry my sleeping older son, who's only about 6 inches shorter than I am, to the bathroom before I go to bed. My husband knows that it's part of our nightly ritual and he'll help if I ask him to. So, why don't I ask?
Okay, part of me resents the fact that I'm small and that it's hard for me to do it by myself. It's not like he's a teenager, I should be able to carry my own son. Part of me resents the fact that my husband doesn't offer. He knows how much this takes out of me. Why should I have to ask?
And maybe part of me enjoys the martyrdom and self-rightousness that I'm left with. Maybe that part of me likes being able to say "there, I did it again, poor me." So, every night I struggle through, hoping that he won't throw himself out of my arms, stopping afterward to catch my breath, and feeling proud of my nearly back-breaking accomplishment.
This might seem like a trivial example of not asking for help. But, basically you get the idea. What makes it hard for us, as women, to ask for help? Why do we feel like we have to do it all ourselves? Well, here are some possibilities:
As a modern woman, of course I see independence as a great strength. But, I also believe in our essential connectedness and need for each other. So, I see interdependence as the ideal. Existing in a state in which we need the people in our lives and they need us and we take turns giving and taking.
Strength is not being able to do everything on your own; strength is knowing what you need and being able to get it. Asking for help does not equate to failure. There is a difference between being unable do it alone and choosing not to do it alone. And, sometimes, we truly can't do it on our own. But, why does that have to mean being a failure rather than simply being human?
Some of us have, unfortunately, had experiences of being disappointed by others. Friends or family who never have time to help or who drop the ball when they are needed. That makes it understandably hard to trust that others will be there for you. But, if you really look hard at your life, most likely there are 1 or 2 people who are truly dependable and actually want to help if you just let them. Taking that step of trusting and hoping is risky but can be well worth the risk.
Perfectionism is the bane of many an existence. In some settings, it can be highly adaptive and lead to success. But, more often perfectionism can be overwhelming and even crippling. You have to let go of the idea that everything has to be done just right. If your husband puts the dishes away in the wrong place, so be it. Let it go and move on.
I understand the worry about being a burden on others. Again, reciprocity should be expected in relationships and you have just as much right to be the taker at times. At some point we have to trust that the important people in our lives want to help and that they will tell us if we're asking too much. It may also feel good on their end being the givers and being needed.
Asking for help is another form of self-care. It's admitting our human-ness and imperfection and using the support around us. This is another way of putting a muzzle on the Superwomen in our heads and dancing to a new tune. A tune of self-directed kindness and interdependence that says that just as we're willing to do for others, it's okay to let them do for us too.
Okay, part of me resents the fact that I'm small and that it's hard for me to do it by myself. It's not like he's a teenager, I should be able to carry my own son. Part of me resents the fact that my husband doesn't offer. He knows how much this takes out of me. Why should I have to ask?
And maybe part of me enjoys the martyrdom and self-rightousness that I'm left with. Maybe that part of me likes being able to say "there, I did it again, poor me." So, every night I struggle through, hoping that he won't throw himself out of my arms, stopping afterward to catch my breath, and feeling proud of my nearly back-breaking accomplishment.
This might seem like a trivial example of not asking for help. But, basically you get the idea. What makes it hard for us, as women, to ask for help? Why do we feel like we have to do it all ourselves? Well, here are some possibilities:
- Pride
- Independence
- Asking for help=failure
- Can't rely on others
- Perfectionism
- Don't want to be a burden
As a modern woman, of course I see independence as a great strength. But, I also believe in our essential connectedness and need for each other. So, I see interdependence as the ideal. Existing in a state in which we need the people in our lives and they need us and we take turns giving and taking.
Strength is not being able to do everything on your own; strength is knowing what you need and being able to get it. Asking for help does not equate to failure. There is a difference between being unable do it alone and choosing not to do it alone. And, sometimes, we truly can't do it on our own. But, why does that have to mean being a failure rather than simply being human?
Some of us have, unfortunately, had experiences of being disappointed by others. Friends or family who never have time to help or who drop the ball when they are needed. That makes it understandably hard to trust that others will be there for you. But, if you really look hard at your life, most likely there are 1 or 2 people who are truly dependable and actually want to help if you just let them. Taking that step of trusting and hoping is risky but can be well worth the risk.
Perfectionism is the bane of many an existence. In some settings, it can be highly adaptive and lead to success. But, more often perfectionism can be overwhelming and even crippling. You have to let go of the idea that everything has to be done just right. If your husband puts the dishes away in the wrong place, so be it. Let it go and move on.
I understand the worry about being a burden on others. Again, reciprocity should be expected in relationships and you have just as much right to be the taker at times. At some point we have to trust that the important people in our lives want to help and that they will tell us if we're asking too much. It may also feel good on their end being the givers and being needed.
Asking for help is another form of self-care. It's admitting our human-ness and imperfection and using the support around us. This is another way of putting a muzzle on the Superwomen in our heads and dancing to a new tune. A tune of self-directed kindness and interdependence that says that just as we're willing to do for others, it's okay to let them do for us too.
Monday, June 21, 2010
We All Need Girltime
I recently read an article about “Mancations” and “Girls’ Weekends” and it made me think. I’ve never had a Girls’ Weekend. I love the idea in theory and I admire the Moms who take them. What a way to nurture yourselves! But, I’m not sure I could do it. I miss my boys terribly when I’m gone (for work), I hate being away more than I have to, and I can't bear the thought of leaving them overnight.
Luckily, my closest female friend is also the primary breadwinner working full-time outside of the home and she has similar feelings about leaving her boys. Our bonding tends to revolve around our kids. Not fully relaxing, I’ll admit.
But, who else will listen to me complain about how I rushed out of the house late, drove around the block, ran back in to get my lunch, and arrived at work on time but with my shirt on backward? And still respect me? And smile and nod in a way that says “Been there, done that”?
So, we talk about what our guys are doing, we catch up on each others' families, we gripe about work, and we hatch fantastical schemes about how we could spend more time at home (without losing income). Girltime is for venting, sharing stories, and feeling less silly or more silly (depending on our needs at the time).
Women’s relationships with other women provide an essential source of support. We’re drawn together by an innate interpersonal need, which is strengthened by socialization. Even introverts like myself, who fade into the background in large group gatherings, thrive on the closeness and intimacy of good girlfriend relationships. This is all part of good self-care.
Friendship self-care also means slaying the energy-sucking relationship vampires in our lives. We've all had them - girlfriends who are constantly needy, high maintenance, and rarely reciprocate. Your time and energy are too limited and too precious to waste on one-way adult relationships.
Self-care means surrounding ourselves with positive, nurturing, reciprocal relationships characterized by care, respect, and give and take. There are tons of studies citing the health benefits of having a strong support network and using it. Being with others, spending time with them, feeling connected and supported are all essential to good emotional and physical health.
Make time for your girlfriends, in whatever form that works best for you. Self-care is for you, it helps you be better with others, and it can definitely include others.
Luckily, my closest female friend is also the primary breadwinner working full-time outside of the home and she has similar feelings about leaving her boys. Our bonding tends to revolve around our kids. Not fully relaxing, I’ll admit.
But, who else will listen to me complain about how I rushed out of the house late, drove around the block, ran back in to get my lunch, and arrived at work on time but with my shirt on backward? And still respect me? And smile and nod in a way that says “Been there, done that”?
So, we talk about what our guys are doing, we catch up on each others' families, we gripe about work, and we hatch fantastical schemes about how we could spend more time at home (without losing income). Girltime is for venting, sharing stories, and feeling less silly or more silly (depending on our needs at the time).
Women’s relationships with other women provide an essential source of support. We’re drawn together by an innate interpersonal need, which is strengthened by socialization. Even introverts like myself, who fade into the background in large group gatherings, thrive on the closeness and intimacy of good girlfriend relationships. This is all part of good self-care.
Friendship self-care also means slaying the energy-sucking relationship vampires in our lives. We've all had them - girlfriends who are constantly needy, high maintenance, and rarely reciprocate. Your time and energy are too limited and too precious to waste on one-way adult relationships.
Self-care means surrounding ourselves with positive, nurturing, reciprocal relationships characterized by care, respect, and give and take. There are tons of studies citing the health benefits of having a strong support network and using it. Being with others, spending time with them, feeling connected and supported are all essential to good emotional and physical health.
Make time for your girlfriends, in whatever form that works best for you. Self-care is for you, it helps you be better with others, and it can definitely include others.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
"Do As I Say, Not As I Do" is Not Enough
One of our most important jobs as parents is to serve as role models for our children. That should include modeling self-care. So, as I began to think about this post, I thought about my primary role model - my mother.
Although my mother's marital status changed during my childhood, the main image that I hold of her is of the single, working mother who did whatever it took to take care of her children. She embodied strength and sacrifice and always made sure that we got what we needed.
So, I know where my "Superwoman, I'll do it all and love it" attitude came from. But, I've also seen up close the cost of so much sacrifice and so little self-care. My mother's self-neglect eventually led to depression and substance abuse.
Now I have a sense of why I feel the need to do so much and I have an extreme example of how I don't want my life to end up. The question is, what do I do? It's a complex dance trying to instill in our children a strong work ethic and internal motivation to do their best without also passing on the legacy of tireless effort and self-sacrifice.
For example, as I look around, I see many of my older son's peers scheduled to the hilt, playing multiple sports, learning one or two instruments, and already working on that "college edge." I'm all for wanting our children to be well-rounded and to have as many options for the future available to them as possible. But, I worry about what we're inadvertently teaching them.
And worse yet, if I live my own life like an unending relay race where each leg is a different important task and there is never really a hand-off, why would they possibly do anything different?
No pressure (okay, a little actually), but those of you with daughters have a particular duty to dispel the "Superwoman" image and to serve as healthy, realistic role models. They must learn that downtime is good, that their health and happiness is just as important as everyone else's, and that doing for themselves can ultimately help them do for others.
And this can't just be wise words spoken from on high - you must espouse self-care in word and deed. Children learn from what they see as much or more so than from what they're told. It is essential to your daughters, to all of our children, that we embody the self-care that we want them to engage in.
So, now I tell my boys that Mommy needs her quiet time just as much as they need theirs. I think that's a good start...
Although my mother's marital status changed during my childhood, the main image that I hold of her is of the single, working mother who did whatever it took to take care of her children. She embodied strength and sacrifice and always made sure that we got what we needed.
So, I know where my "Superwoman, I'll do it all and love it" attitude came from. But, I've also seen up close the cost of so much sacrifice and so little self-care. My mother's self-neglect eventually led to depression and substance abuse.
Now I have a sense of why I feel the need to do so much and I have an extreme example of how I don't want my life to end up. The question is, what do I do? It's a complex dance trying to instill in our children a strong work ethic and internal motivation to do their best without also passing on the legacy of tireless effort and self-sacrifice.
For example, as I look around, I see many of my older son's peers scheduled to the hilt, playing multiple sports, learning one or two instruments, and already working on that "college edge." I'm all for wanting our children to be well-rounded and to have as many options for the future available to them as possible. But, I worry about what we're inadvertently teaching them.
And worse yet, if I live my own life like an unending relay race where each leg is a different important task and there is never really a hand-off, why would they possibly do anything different?
No pressure (okay, a little actually), but those of you with daughters have a particular duty to dispel the "Superwoman" image and to serve as healthy, realistic role models. They must learn that downtime is good, that their health and happiness is just as important as everyone else's, and that doing for themselves can ultimately help them do for others.
And this can't just be wise words spoken from on high - you must espouse self-care in word and deed. Children learn from what they see as much or more so than from what they're told. It is essential to your daughters, to all of our children, that we embody the self-care that we want them to engage in.
So, now I tell my boys that Mommy needs her quiet time just as much as they need theirs. I think that's a good start...
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Relaxation is NOT a 4-Letter Word!
Does the idea of taking time out feel like a luxury you can't afford? Is it really impossible to find even 10 minutes for yourself? Or is it that essentially you're not "allowed" to take the time?
As a full-time working mom, I understand the drive to do everything and be everything for everyone, which usually puts you at the bottom of the priority list. If you have a free moment, there's always something that can be done - cleaning, laundry, bills, returning phone calls, etc.
I also understand the idea of relaxation as a 4-letter word. For some, relaxation may be a familiar-sounding but forgotten term from your past, pre-relationship or pre-children lives. An elusive, almost mystical concept with no true meaning in the life of today's woman. At worst, relaxation is a profanity that conjures up images of wanton laziness, self-indulgence, and neglect of the important things in life.
Yet, how could you possibly be considered lazy? In a typical day, you've fed and dressed children, fed and dressed yourself, worked 8-10 hours, cooked dinner, reviewed homework, run baths, read bedtime stories, and listened to your partner. You are so far from lazy that it seems almost absurd to even try to apply the word to yourself.
Yet, so many of us walk (or run) around with rigid views about how we're supposed to be. Our internal critics tell us against all contradictory evidence that we still "haven't done enough today." Whether that's the internalized voice of your mother (I know, cliche, yet often true) or a supreme buy-in to the unattainable Superwoman ideal, that harsh voice must be challenged and silenced, or at least seriously muffled.
In truth, relaxation, as with other methods of self-care, is an investment in your emotional, physical, and relational health. Relaxation exercises can:
It is impossible to be your best and be fully present when you’re feeling exhausted and stretched too thin. Taking just 10 minutes out of your hectic day to slow down, attend to your body, and exist in a worry-free zone can do wonders for your overall mood. And feeling happier and more productive can enable you to fully engage with the people in your life. In this way, self-care is good for you and good for your relationships.
Check out my 10-minute guided relaxation exercise, which is on the home page of my webiste (the link is in the next column where it says, "To schedule an appointment in Media, PA"). This is an opportunity for you to slow down and recharge in a way that will help you reground yourself and be the mom, partner, daughter, friend you want to be. You will get the best results if you can make this a part of your daily, or at least two-to-three times weekly, routine.
Start by finding a quiet place where you are unlikely to be disturbed. Let your family know that this is your time and that it is important. You deserve this and ultimately so do they. Sit up straight in a comfortable chair with your arms supported and your feet on the floor.
Now, begin the recording,...1, 2, 3,..SLOW...
As a full-time working mom, I understand the drive to do everything and be everything for everyone, which usually puts you at the bottom of the priority list. If you have a free moment, there's always something that can be done - cleaning, laundry, bills, returning phone calls, etc.
I also understand the idea of relaxation as a 4-letter word. For some, relaxation may be a familiar-sounding but forgotten term from your past, pre-relationship or pre-children lives. An elusive, almost mystical concept with no true meaning in the life of today's woman. At worst, relaxation is a profanity that conjures up images of wanton laziness, self-indulgence, and neglect of the important things in life.
Yet, how could you possibly be considered lazy? In a typical day, you've fed and dressed children, fed and dressed yourself, worked 8-10 hours, cooked dinner, reviewed homework, run baths, read bedtime stories, and listened to your partner. You are so far from lazy that it seems almost absurd to even try to apply the word to yourself.
Yet, so many of us walk (or run) around with rigid views about how we're supposed to be. Our internal critics tell us against all contradictory evidence that we still "haven't done enough today." Whether that's the internalized voice of your mother (I know, cliche, yet often true) or a supreme buy-in to the unattainable Superwoman ideal, that harsh voice must be challenged and silenced, or at least seriously muffled.
In truth, relaxation, as with other methods of self-care, is an investment in your emotional, physical, and relational health. Relaxation exercises can:
- Reduce stress
- Improve immune functioning
- Increase concentration
- Increase productivity and efficiency
- Decrease anger
It is impossible to be your best and be fully present when you’re feeling exhausted and stretched too thin. Taking just 10 minutes out of your hectic day to slow down, attend to your body, and exist in a worry-free zone can do wonders for your overall mood. And feeling happier and more productive can enable you to fully engage with the people in your life. In this way, self-care is good for you and good for your relationships.
Check out my 10-minute guided relaxation exercise, which is on the home page of my webiste (the link is in the next column where it says, "To schedule an appointment in Media, PA"). This is an opportunity for you to slow down and recharge in a way that will help you reground yourself and be the mom, partner, daughter, friend you want to be. You will get the best results if you can make this a part of your daily, or at least two-to-three times weekly, routine.
Start by finding a quiet place where you are unlikely to be disturbed. Let your family know that this is your time and that it is important. You deserve this and ultimately so do they. Sit up straight in a comfortable chair with your arms supported and your feet on the floor.
Now, begin the recording,...1, 2, 3,..SLOW...
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